and you said cock pushups were impossible
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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