Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
