Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
being pregnant is like rehab
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
