apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
