Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
As shirtless as possible
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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