if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Randomize
