I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
