if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Randomize
