i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
