i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
