Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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