Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
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