I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
