I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Randomize
