Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
