"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
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