the more pounds shes got the more points. bonus points awarded for specialty moves used. aka broken cowboy, tobogan, dutch oven, or brazilian fake out.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
