3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
