its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
