Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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