how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
