he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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