census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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