that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Randomize
