Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
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