Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
