True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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