Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
