i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize