I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
