Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
