There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
