Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
Randomize
