I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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