Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize