I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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