I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
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