I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
