she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Randomize
