so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
