He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
