I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
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