Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize