I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Randomize
