hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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