Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
