I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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