Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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