you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
