she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Randomize
