Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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