I wish my penis had an off switch
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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