Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Randomize