The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Randomize
