too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Randomize
