What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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