There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
They are going to name an STD after you.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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