I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
