Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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