happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
