its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
