so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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